Imagine the scene me and Steve sitting down two hours of red carpert footage but what channel to choose, Sky of course had the rights to the British Oscar Coverage but it was presented by Kate Thornton (aaah!!), so I decided to introduce Steve to the wonders of Ryan Seacrest and Guilana on E! I missed out the first ten minutes but there were no celebrity interviews just a talk backstage with Jon Stewart where he talked about the show and said the C-Word. So here it is The full Oscars night from start to finish
11:11 - Guilana is talking to the weird Asisan fashion lady who wants to flash her legs a lot.
11:13 - Decide to flick over from fashion lady and check out Sky One who seem to be showing a Video Package of previous Oscar ceremonies
11:20 - Still no celebrties on either channel so Ryan Seacrest decides to share his bag of tricks with us, during this segment we can see Seacrest and Thornton are standing next to each other
11:22 - As Guilana talks to Ken Baker (not Kenny Baker even though I thought R2D2 would've been awesome on the red capert) the gossip guy about Britney and Angelina not being invited to The Oscars because they weren't nominated or big enough, Seacrest contradicts this by interviewing Heidi Klum and Seal who seem to be on every red carpert. Seacrest tries to get Klum out of her dress for charity but a big cheer is heard as Clooney appears on the carpert with Sarah Larson who seems to have made her dress out of curtains.
11:29 - Steve despairs as I constantly flick the channels and miss half of Seacrest's interview with obscure supporting actress nominee Amy Ryan who when we turn over is talking about Ben Affleck being an actor's director how sickening.
11:31 - Its just nice to point out at this point that for some unknown reason the red carpert footage on E! is being sponsored by the Greek Tourist Board.
11:32 - While E! is on the break we flick to Sky One who are now interviewing Heidi and Seal but technical difficulties mean that the screen blacks out halfway through and Sky switches a video package on about the best supporting actress nominees.
11:36 - No-one is being interviewed on either channel, Seacrest points out the fact that the red carpert is being covered by tarps but the journalists are still getting wet.
11:38 - Tom Wikinson admits to being a big Friends fan and getting tongue-tied around Lisa Kudrow. Seacrest makes a big faux pas when he calls the English accent pretentious.
11:40 - Turn to Sky another video package
11:44 - It seems while Sky is airing a video package the British cameraman is in Ryan Seacrest's crotch and when he has a go, Kate Thornton pipes in but Seacrest owns her.
11:45 - Clooney is really smug about his relationship with the slightly Stepford-esque Sarah Larson and then about his chances for Michael Clayton.
11:47 - The great and mighty Jason Bateman is interviewed he and Seacrest mock Clooney's hair he is tight-lipped about the Arrested Development film but I'm thinking yes its going ahead.
11:49 - A slow time once again as the E! girls talk about Anne Hathaway's poreclain skin and Sky are showing yet another VT package.
11:50 - E! air quite a humorous segment where Seacrest shows us what some actor's would look like if they were given the hairstyle that Javier Bardem sports in No Country for Old Men while it doesn't work on Daniel Day-Lewis it kind of does on Helen Mirrem.
11:52 - Kate Thornton on Sky One bumbles her interview with Tom Wilkinson saying something about Michael Clayton's production that blatantly wasn't true, she seems to be making it up as she goes along.
11:54 - Meanwhile over on E!, Anne Hathaway and her poreclain skin are being interviewed by Seacrest the funniest moment her is when Seacrest can't seem to pronounce Hathaway's date's Spanish name.
11:56 - Irish Atonement sprog Saiorse Ronan is up next she is all in green and looks like a junior leprechaun. At only thirteen she is very gracious and glad to be on the red carpert with her parents. Seacrest tries to ask her what would be a good thing to do to wind James McAvoy up but she doesn't think there is.
11:59 - As E! goes to the break, Sky are still showing VT's
12:00 - Steve Carrell is interviewed as Seacrest tells a story about seeing Carrell in a shop this story bored me silly but they soon got to some comedy when Seacrest claimed it was a green red carpert and they were recycling questions. He asked Carell Angelina Jolie's question about what it was like waking up to Brad Pitt every morning and then Ellen Page's question of what it was like to play pregnant. I can assure you this was very witty.
12:04 - Seacrest tries to embaress the perfectly turned out Patrick Dempsey by showing him his 'Enchanted' doll. I'm wondering who the blue haired man is walking up and down the carpert.
12:05 - Seacrest claims the British producer keeps asking him who the stars are, doesn't suprise me that Sky and Kate Thornton haven't done any research.
12:06 - John Travolta's haircut makes him look like one of the aliens from Galaxy Quest, lets hope he's not thinking of making Battlefield Earth 2.
12:07 - The Rock is up next, Seacrest reads him a viewer question which is obviously a plant about who is hero was growing up and in the suck-up Hollywood mind of The Rock the correct answer is Clint Eastwood.
12:08 - James McAvoy and Anne Marie Duff talk about stealing from the BAFTA after-party and wanting to go to Prince's aftershow party. The split screen reveals Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen with two beautiful women on their arms, they are now famous enough to be able to use the top class Escort services obviously (only kidding).
12:10 - Seacrest does more recycling as he shows Amy Adams her Enchanted doll she also has a completely useless mesh hand bag.
12:18 - In probably the best red carpert moment Seacrest is trying to interview Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney but is upstaged by an obviously intoxicated or just plain mental Gary Busey. Busey kind of half attacks Garner before Linney ferries her off.
12:20 - Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill talk about Rogen's bum
12:22 - Miley Cyrus daughter of Billy Ray who is apparently a massive child star in her own right is on the red carpert with her mum who does the whole she's a very grounded teenager routine. Yeah right.
12:24 - For some reason over on Sky One Kate Thornton seems to want to intimidate Amy Adams over her upcoming performance.
12:27 - On E! Keri Russell is next up although she is presenting a song she is apparently not singing herself she may rap. A random segment called Red Carpert Roulette she is then asked by a small child whether he really needs to learn math.
12:33 - Seacrest and Helen Mirrem run over the awards she won last year, the naked man (Oscar), the creepy mask (BAFTA) and the naked man with the creepy mask (SAG). She says she wonders what they get up to at night.
12:34- Jessica Alba and her partner Cash are interviewed by Seacrest about her pregnancy and he asks a rather intrusive question about whether she will breast feed or not.
12:36 - Cameron Diaz seems to have come as a pink flump and admits she didn't get Drew Barrymore anything for her birthday. The tight cow.
12:38 - Sky One show no originality by presenting Helen Mirrem with one of those tacky union jack flags, I'm sure they did that last year.
12:41 - Tilda Swinton who has the most questionable dress of the evening comes of as very grounded and cool and she is someone who doesn't fawn over the might of George Clooney.
12:44 - Finally Kate Thornton is interviewing someone that Seacrest hasn't already its just a shame that Faye Dunaway hasn't really done anything to be interviewed about.
12:51 - Casey Affleck's interview with Seacrest is a little dull so I amuse myself by looking at old Calista Flockhart has become since hooking up with Harrison Ford.
12:54 - Viggo Mortenson gets the 'ah sweet' vote of the night as he's turned up with his niece as his date.
12:58 - The final interview is with Katherine Heigl of all people who is always husbandless on these red carpert events and for some reason just wants to talk about New Years. I am taking a pizza out of the oven at this stage so don't care very much.
1:03 - Claudia Winkleman introduces us to Sky's coverage of the event with guess what yet another VT this time about The Oscars in general.
1:06 - I really like Winkleman but she struggles with the crap panel that Sky lumber her with every year and this year is no exception. It starts with Feminist Film Critic Hilary Oliver who looks like she could be Rula Lenska's Irish Cousin, then 'fashion expert' Hannah Sandling and finally the smuggest comedian of them all, Robin 'I know Ricky Gervais' Ince. Winkleman mainly focuses on Sandling's thoughts on the red carpert dresses she describes Diablo Cody as stripper chic and references Dita Von Teese, she then disses Cameron Diaz's dress as I have just done and finally Tilda Swinton in what she described as a 'bin bag'. Ince then tries to stand up for Swinton giving his first crap joke of many during the night this one being about lip gloss fairies. While I don't think Swinton's dress did her any favours it certainly made her standout from the crowd. If anyone's interested I think the best dressed women were - Jennifer Hudson, Amy Adams, Ellen Page, Marion Cottilard and Keri Russell.
1:10 - For some reason there's more lazy shots of the red carpert.
1:15 - Now there's a news like segment about the writer's strike
1:16 - Sandling has gone and in her place is crap film critic Mark Ecclestone who wasn't considered good enough even to front a Channel Five film show. He tries to look really smart talking about the writer's strike figures but in the end looks like a prat when he references the There Will be Blood director as Philip Thomas Anderson.
1:17 - Hilary Oliver complains that most of the good films only came out in the autumn and early this year. She doesn't seem to grasp the fact that studio's realease films that they think will do well at The Oscars closer to Oscar time.
1:21 - Ince pretends to know about how the academy works.
1:28 - There is a freaky moment in which Little Miss Sunshine is on Sky and then we flip back and there's an advert for Oscar Winner's Season with the exact same moment from LMS that we've just ssen.
1:30 - The sky panel discuss Jon Stewart's hosting abilities, Robin Inces seems to want Steve Martin back and then does a horrendous Billy Crystal impression, there's a Small VT of last year's Oscars accompanied by an orchestral version of that Take That song from Stardust.
1:31 - We are handed over to The Kodak Theatre, and I quickly yell to Steve who is in the loo that he'll miss the start but the opening is just loads of film moments on a big road.
(on the fact that this is the union between the writers and studios once again) "Welcome to the make-up sex"
"Its great to celebrate this years Psychopathic Killer Movies, No Country for Old Men, Sweeney Todd, There Will be Blood - Does this town need a hug? Thank God for teenage pregnancy."
"Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men comprised the bloodthirstiness of Hannibal Lecter with Dorothy Hammil's wedge cut."
"Away from Her is about a woman who forgets her husband - Hilary Clinton Called it the feel-good film of the year."
(On Atonement) "Never has one film captured the passion and raw sexuality of Yum Kippur."
"Even Norbit is nominated tonight which is excellent too often the academy overlooks films that aren't good."
"Michael Clayton is about 100 minutes long but because its about lawyers you can just round that up to two hours."
"Dennis Hopper is here, I'm just saying this so Dennis knows where he is."
"Diablo Cody was an exotic dancer and is now an oscar-nominated screenwriter - enjoy the pay cut."
"Oscar is now 80 so that makes him front-runner in for the Republican leadership campaign."
"Usually when you see a Woman or a Black Man as president an asterioid is about to hit the statue of liberty."
Stewart then jokes about how Barac Obama has overcome a lot because of his name his Barac Hussein Obama, and its just like the 1944 presidential campaign of Gaydolf Titler. A lot of people laugh but the camera pans to Marion Cotilard who doesn't look amused.
1:42 - We get to the first award of the evening as Jennifer Garner presents best Costume Design to Alexandra Byrne who worked on Elizabeth: The Golden Age her speech is nice and short and also good to note that the first award of the night goes to a Brit.
1:44 - The first of many reminiscences by former Oscar winners on there winning nights, the first is Babs Stresissand on her 'Hello Gorgeous' expetance speech.
1:46 - Robin Ince says he misses the cheesy nature of the old host and is told by Oliver and Ecclestone that cheesy is out he is upset and goes to phone Ricky Gervais.
1:47 - George Clooney has the most pointless job of the night to introduce Oscar's tribute to itself.
1:51 - The camera goes back to Jon Stewart who is watching Lawrence of Arabia on an I-Phone and flips it over to watch it in widescreen.
1:52 - Stewart introduces the funniest person he knows and she is being joined by Steve Carrell, Carrell comes out with Anne Hathaway and tells Jon that he never seases to amaze him over his constant need for attention. Carrell then starts on a spiel announcing the documentary feature nominees but is told by Hathaway that they're presenting animated feature he basically goes into The Office mode by wanting to throw up and feeling upset.
1:55 - I note that this is the first year since the animated category began that characters from the films aren't computer animated onto seats that might be because its quite hard to animated a French black and white Iranian girl onto a seat (only people who've seen Perspolis will get that reference). Brad Bird wins for Ratatouille and runs over and gets cut off by the orchestra.
1:57 - Katherine Heigl presents best Make-Up to La Vie en Rose, Norbit was robbed! The second Brit shares the award with a Frenchman.
2:00 - Jon Stewart goes to sing Alan Menken's Happy Working Song from Enchanted but then realises Amy Adams is there to sing it. Adams is at a loss as she is obviously meant to be singing to creatures or something but she has neither extras or a set and because of this the whole song seems a bit sill.
2:02 - The second of the Oscar reminiscences comes courtesy of the Zeta-Jones-Douglases.
2:07 - Jon Stewart says if you wonder what they do during the ad breaks they sit around and make catty remarks about what we're wearing. And then introduces The Rock saying that wrestling is also how Ellen Page got started if you turn your back on her she'll hit you with a folding chair, the camera however doesn't flick to Page maybe she was in the loo. The Rock then is quite entertaining in his opening spiel talking about how he though the face melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark was very real.
2:09 - The Golden Compass wins Best Visual Effects and two of the four men who collect the award are Brits so so far the Brits have four Oscars.
2:10 - Cate Blanchett presents the award for Art Direction and Production Design to two Spaniards who between them have been nominated 16 times and one once for The Aviator, so she must have met them before.
2:13 - Stewart takes the piss out of Cate Blanchett saying that she played the pitbull in No Country for Old Men and that he's being played by Blanchett right now.
2:14 - The first of many 'who's won this award before' montage introduces us to Best Supporting Actor, the disturbing thing is that the image they end on is of Snow Dogs and Boat Trip star Cuba Gooding Jr. winning his Oscar, I thought they were trying to erase that memory.
2:16 - Jennifer Hudson comes out to present and stumbles over the autocue.
2:19 - The second Spaniard win in a row as Javier Bardem rightly wins for No Country for Old Men the last segment of his speech is all in Spanish.
2:21 - But as we come back to the Sky studio, Hilary Oliver fancies herself a Spanish translator as she tells us what Bardem meant. 2:22 - Jon Stewart's translation is funnier - "He told his mother where the library was."
2:23 - Stewart then gives us a look at what Oscar would've been like if the writer's strike had continued. So they had Oscar's tribute to Binoculars and Periscopes - for some reason me and Steve find this hilarious. This is followed by Oscar's tribute to Bad Dreams.
2:24 - Keri Russell lied to us she didn't rap. But she did introduce the Gospel number from her film August Rush called Raise it Up. The main part of the song is sung by eleven year old Jemia Simone Nash. Unlike Amy Adams they have a set complete with church pews and extras.
2:28 - Stewart comes out and tells us you knew that song was good as Hal Holbrook was cabbage patching in the aisle. Holbrook blantantly didn't get that joke he looked like he was falling asleep now his category has been announced.
2:30 - Owen Wilson presents Short Live Action Film to The Mozart of Pickpockets (which I didn't have on my ballot) the French guy does struggle with his speech.
2:31 - Bee Movie bee shows a montage of bees in films, we've had enough comedy montages but at least this includes a clip from Rushmore. The Best Animated Short goes to Peter and The Wolf - More Brit wins!!!
2:38 - Alan Arkin obviously refused to do any spiel before announcing the winner of Supporting Actress. This is the biggest shock of the night (like Arkin's was last year) as Blanchett's Bob Dylan is passed over in favour of Tilda Swinton's cold-hearted lawyer in Michael Clayton. As well as being another Brit win, Swinton's speech is one of the best as she holds the Oscar and says happy Birthday man. She also quips about Clooney wearing the Batman and Robin suit during filming.
2:44 - Jessica Alba had obviously drawn the short straw and had to attend what looks like the most tedious thing alive - The Science and Technology Academy Awards where all the nerds attend they don't let them mix with the stars you know.
2:45 - Jon Stewart has been looking at the Alba and Blanchett both being pregnant and has his tally at two but as Jack Nicholson's there he's going to retally at the end of the night.
2:46 - The Broody and handsome duo (according to Stewart) of Josh 'No Country for Old Men' Brolin and James 'Shameless' McAvoy as they run through some quotes from adapted screenplays, Brolin apologises for doing a crap Nicholson impression and at this point I'm sure Nicholson is sitting next to Diablo Cody - Jack needs to be near a former stripper obviously.
2:48 - The Coen Brothers get the first award to go soley to Americans since Brad Bird. Ethan is slightly tongue-tied so Joel does all the talking.
2:49 - The president of the Oscars does a really bad video about how the Oscars votes are tallied which is incredibly boring. And aftewards even Jon Stewart takes the piss.
2:53 - Miley Cyrus introduces the second song from Enchanted called 'That's How You Know' sung by the brilliant and goregous Kristin Chenowoth (not sure if she was in the film), Amy Adams must be furious as there's plenty of props and a ton of extras in this song. 3:00 - Stewart notices that he left Nicole Kidman out of the list of pregnant ladies and then did and the baby goes to - Angelina Jolie. He quips that Jolie isn't there because its hard to get 17 babysitters on Oscar Night.
3:02 - Stewart introduces Dami Judi Dench and Halle Berry, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill come out and do the funniest skit of the night which is obviously in place of a Will Ferrell/Jack Black song. Hill and Rogen argue about which should be Berry and which should be Dench. While this is going on they hand out the sound editing award to The Bourne Ultimatum.
3:05 - Hill and Rogen argue some more as The Bourne Ultimatum gets the Sound Mixing award as well, three American wins on the trot. I have to point out here that because The Bourne Ultimatum won British sound mixer Kevin O'Connol has been passed over for his 20th Oscar (this time for Transformers) there needs to be some kind of Myspace/Facebook group to get O'Connol the Oscar in 2009.
3:08 - The best actress montage features highlights such as deaf Marlee Matin and the stupidly dressed Cher collecting their awards.
3:10 - Forrest Whittaker goes on for too long before reading out the actress nominees.
3:16 - Back in the Sky studio where Hilary 'I'm a feminist don't you know' Oliver is going on about how Cotilard was a strong female presence in that film.
3:18 - Jon Stewart is caught playing WII tennis with Jemia Simone Nash from the August Rush song, she then runs off saying good game Mr. John (I just thought that sounded slightly racist)
3:19 - Colin Farrell almost cripples himself slipping up on something while approaching the song nominees podium (on the other side to the normal podium), Farrell just has to mention 'Once' once and people start to clap. Glen Hansard and Marketa Iglova then perform 'Falling Slowly' to an enraptured audience.
3:22 - Nicholson comes on and says I love the Movies before showing a montage of EVERY best picture winner from the last 80 years. I'm sure I saw this last year on You Tube.
3:28 - The Americans are winning the awards once again as Best Editing goes to The Bourne Ultimatum who get the Techinical award hat trick.
3:31 - I go and take the second pizza out of the oven as the special award goes to so called 'legendary' Robert Boyle who was the production designer on a lot of Hitchcock films like North by Northwest and The Birds as well as Private Benjamin, The Shootist, Dragnet, The Thomas Crown Affair and one of my favourite musicals - How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying. Sure enough he's done good work but at 98 years old he doesn't give the most empassioned speech funnily enough he gets the only standing ovation of the evening.
3:44 - Penelope Cruz presents Best Foreign Film to suprisingly another foreign winner this time the Austrians win the award for the excellent The Counterfeiters.
3:45 - Patrick Dempsey presents the final horribly sappy song from Enchanted by some out of tune dude dressed as a prince at a ball.
3:49 - Travolta almost slips up like Colin Farrell did as he presents the award for best song to the deserved winners Marketa Iglova and Glen Hansard from Once. Hansard gives an empassioned speech but Iglova is cut off before she can say anything. Stewart says of Hansard - he is so arrogant. 
3:57 - After the break Stewart rightly brings Iglova back on as she thinks that this is a victory for all independent musicians and gets a good round of applause for this. 3:59 - Cameron Diaz can't say the word cinematography which is bad as she is presenting the award for Best Cinematography. This is another shocker as Roger Deakins who is nominated for No Country and for Jesse James is passed over in favour of Robert Elswit for There Will be Blood.
4:02 - Hilary Swank presents the In Memorium feature as predicted Heath Ledger and Ingmar Bergman feature heavily however one of the most notable emissions is Brad Renfro which is a travesty.
4:07 - Hilary Oliver back in the Sky Studio is sticking up for the women by saying the Diving Bell and The Buttefly should've one best cinematography.
4:08 - Amy Adams presents the best score award and with help from the Orchestra shows how poor films would've been off if John Williams hadn't composed the scores for Jaws and Close Encounters. Oh and the Rocky score was in here for good measure.
4:10 - I don't know if we can claim this one but Italian-Brit Dario Marionelli wins the award for his work on Atonement.
4:11 - Jon Stewart wonders why Tom Hanks is there as he hasn't been nominated tonight.
4:12 - Hanks passes us over to U.S. Soliders in Camp Victory in Baghdad because obviously its above him to announce the winners of Best Documentary Short. The fact that the soliders are doing this is an unintenionally hilarious moment for Steve. Freeheld - a film about a lesbian cop whose dying wins the award I'm annoyed as I didn't have this down on my ballot. 4:17 - Taxi to the Dark Side wins Best Documentary Feature, a film about torture I didn't have this down on my ballot. Usually I don't mind lesbians and torture but tonight they've done me a disservice.
4:19 - What I hope is the last of these silly 'I won an Oscar' memories by Elton John comes on.
4:23 - More money goes in John Williams pocket us the 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' theme tune introduces Harrison Ford who seems to have lost it as he says -Movies are made of Ideas, and pictures and words but this was about orignal screenplay.
4:25 - Nice moment as Diablo Cody comes towards the stage after winning the screenplay award she high fives Ellen Page.
4:29 - The Best Actor montage now appears
4:31 - Helen Mirrem seems to have swallowed a thesaurus as she spouts a load of adjectives about the best actor nominees.
4:40 - The last of these tedious montages on directors starts with a funny two-hander between the late great Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.
4:42 - Marty Scorsese presents the second award of the night to The Coen Brothers
4:45 - For the second time in two years the winners of the Best Picture award are in the wings when there film is announced. No Country for Old Men rightly scoops the prize.
4:48 - Stewart thanks us for our time.
4:51 - More gabbing as the panel from hell slag off There Will be Blood and Juno, and applaud the very odd ending of No Country for Old Men. 4:59 - Bloody hell there's a break and more talking, Farrell slipping up was Ecclestone's fave moment, while Ince still wants Steve Martin to present (or Ricky Gervais) and the ladies loved Cottilard's acceptance speech.
5:05 - Thank God that's over a montage of the night is shown with Kylie's WOW! played over the top it should be 'I'm tired and I want to go to bed'
There wasn't very many moments personally I preferred Swinton's speech to Cotillard's and of course Marketa Iglova. Jon Stewart playing the WII was good but I go
