The Innaugral Oscar Blog

This is the fourth time I have stayed up for the oscars and the second consecutive time, me and Sasha start by deciding whether we're going to watch Fearne Cotton chirping away on Sky One who as we usually do watch Ryan Seacrest on E!

11:00 - We plump for Seacrest, he does a segment were a very unresponsive Ellen who his hosting tonight's event gets interviewed by him. 
11:11 - James McAvoy is one of the earlier stars to arrive i.e. unimportant
11:12 - E!s Resident Gay Cyborg Jay Emmanuel is on fashion police patrol with his own bitchy style we don't agree with any of his choices
11:15 - There is a shot of celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck with a big shrimp deely he looks extremely proud of himself
11:21 - After interviewing Michael Sheen, Seacrest says he looks exactly like Tony Blair, apart from the fact he's British he doesn't look anything like Blair.
11:36 - Sasha spots John Travolta walk past Seacrest she wants him to talk about Hairspray, so we flick over to Sky One to see if Fearne Cotton will talk to him she is interview Peter Saarsgard and Maggie Gyllenhall, Peter makes a gag about Fearne the person and the plant, Cotton doesn't look amused
11:39 - While Seacrest is interviewing Al and Tipper Gore, Jennifer Hudson appears wearing a silver scarf thingy which looks like she's just come from a Starlight Express audition, she also has pockets which starts a running gag about hands in pockets. Its about this time that we start muching on our pizza.
12:03 - Jennifer Hudson with pockets has a special video message played to her from Simon Cowell who is completley insincere in his praise of her, well she has been dubbed Simon Cowell's biggest mistake, Hudson is already crying by this point
12:25 - Kirsten Dunst has bought her brother to the event and is busy fiddling with his neck-tie, I don't know his name so I have dubbed him Dunston Dunst
12:30 - Sky Movies begins its coverage hosted by the very lovely Claudia Winkleman and her ramshackle group of guests which include Alex Jennings who had small roles in both Babel and The Queen, in which he played Prince Charles, some random casting director and various smug journalist-types
12:46 - Seacrest presents Kate Winslet with a special video message from Ricky Gervais, or Ricky Jarvis as he calls him. It is vaguely funny as Gervais talks to a cat.
12:50 - Meryl Streep playfully wacks her daughter over the head with a bag after she admits her mother is like her Devil Wears Prada character.
12:56 - E!'s top five fashion choices are Penelope Cruz, Gwyneth Paltrow, Helen Mirren, Beyonce and Nicole Kidman who seems to have come as Red Riding Hood. For the Record the Duffy/Donnelly choices were: Cate Blanchett, Rachel Weisz, Emily Blunt, Rinko Kikuchi and Queen Latifah.
1:02 - After two hours of Red Carpet we now have the official oscar pre-show which is met by haagen daaz and alchol (cheap red wine and pear cider). This starts with a small opening of new footage from Happy Feet as Mumble makes his way to the oscars and jumps in the Little Miss Sunshine van this is the most entertaing thing to happen in the next half hour. The first presenter we meet basically looks like Ryan Seacrest in thirty years time.
1:04 - The second presenter is a woman in a very short cut dress with knees that look like she'd been rolling round in posion ivy all day.
1:06 - The third and final presenter looks like James Earl Jones' brother - Luke I am Your Uncle.
1:20 - Ryan Gosling has bought his mother and sister along - a gaggle of goslings, which begs the question what was Rachel MacAdams doing that was so important that she could miss this?
1:30 - Oscars officially starts, as does the oscars drinking game take a swig everytime - Ellen does a lesbian gag, politics is involved, someone cries, Jack Nicholson is seen smirking, someone presents a minor award and does a variation on the 'Without Them We'd Be Nothing' spiel and looking miffed that they're presenting such a minor award and when Martin Scorsese doesn't win again.
The first five minutes of the oscars are a video montage of I think every nominee or the ones that are there talking about the oscars ones they've lost and various points in there careers. Peter O'Toole, who has been passed over seven times, was particularly funny but spare a thought for poor sound mixer Kevin O'Connel 19nominations without a win.

1:36 - Ellen arrives in her waistcoat and white shoes which I'm told are not trainers. She is evidently nervous at first - doing her first line tonight we celebrate the nominees unlike every other year in which we pretty much celebrate the winners. Five minutes later she does a gag about Peter O'Toole not winning seven times telling him third times a charm her speech livens up at the end as she joins a gospel choir in a number before saying I wouldn't want to follow that.
1:45 - Little Red Riding Hood is joined by James Bond to present the Art Direction award which goes to Pan's Labyrinth, by the way we are doing scorecards and we both got this one right, the guy who wins thanks his mum and this gives us an idea to inclued thanking mum as a new rule to start drinking he finishes by thanking Guillermo Del Toro, good thing Del Toro is a dead cert to win Best Foreign Language Film later tonight.
1:47 - Several acrobats appear behind a screen and make themselves into the shape of an oscar - they do this several times as they transform themselves into the Happy Feet penguins, the Little Miss Sunshine van and the gun symbol from The Departed.
1:53 - For me moment of the night as Will Ferrel sings a song about being a comedian at the oscars - your films make millions but not win awards. Jack Black appears on stage and tells him to pick fights with all the nominees, "Leo you think you can date supermodels AND win awards, I'm gonna punch you in the larynx", "Ryan Gosling your all hip and now, well I'm gonna kick you in the hip, right now." Peter O'Toole's medication seems to have kicked in as they tell him, "you're all prestigous and English I don't care I'm still going to beat you up," he doesn't seem to react at all. They do recognise that Mark Wahlberg is pretty badass and talented and that Helen Mirren is pretty hot. John C Reilly then appears and tells them that they should mix comedy with dramatic roles, "I appeared in both Boogie and Talladega Nights." The song ends with jazz kicks and the line, "Helen Mirren is going home with me tonight.
1:58 - Pan's Labyrinth wins best make-up, I am 2 for 2 unlike Sasha who voted for Apocalypto I didn't understand that decision. Guillermo Del Toro is thanked again its a good thing he's a dead cert to win best foreign film later in the evening.
2:00 - Ellen does the old, I don't know the cameras on me gag as she insinuates that Judi Dench is having an eyelift and not hip surgery.
2:01 - The munchkins appear - Abigail Breslin who appears to have dressed up as a birthday cake and Will Smith Jr. who has got a rasta hairdo. They're presenting the short animation and live action awards and therefore several gags about them being short are delivered with quite impressive timing with a duo with an average age of eight and a half. Jaden Smith trips over his lines announcing the second award before Breslins read out the winner of the first. I get both of these wrong and apparently the first upset of the night as The Danish Poet beats The Little Matchgirl to animated short, shame no-one actually notices or cares.
2:11 - Ellen apologises for saying Judi Dench was having an eye lift saying it was actually a boob job. This is followed by the scary sound effects choir who make sounds to video clips playing behind them from films including Psycho and Chicago.
2:14 - Little Miss Sunshine stars Greg Kinnear and Steve Carrel do a pretty good skit about Sound Editing as Kinnear delivers some of his lines in silence, this award goes to Letters from Iwo Jima, even though Pirates should have one, not just because I had them down but because they used vegetables to create the effects.
2:17 - Kevin O'Connel is passed over yet again in favour of Dreamgirls, I don't care thats another point for me.
2:23 - The first notable surprise win of the evening as Alan Arkin wins for Little Miss Sunshine, there is a few tears from him as we all thought Eddie Murphy would win, including me as it goes even though Arkin deserved it.

2:25 - I am loving Ellen as host as for the first time a host goes among the crowd and makes herself seem more personable. She goes over to Scorsese fanning herself with a Screenplay she's written a cross between Goodfellas and Big Momma's House called GoodMamas.
2:30 - The two non-Dreamgirls i.e. boring musical numbers are performed, the Randy Newman penned song from Cars and notable lesbian Melissa Etheridge's tune from that musical masterpiece ummm... Inconvient Truth.

2:36 - Talking of Inconvient Truth here's Al Gore with Leo talking about a greener America or something like that it doesn't matter its politics so we can drink, there is also a very funny moment as Gore goes to announce what we think is his intentions to run in the next election he is drowned out by the orchestra.
2:43 - Cameron Diaz is making me sick as she keeps spinning around on her heels as she announces that Happy Feet has won best animated film beating Cars which I had down, and Monster House which was the best of the three.
2:46 - Ben Affleck presents the first dreary video montage of the evening about writers on film. This includes clips from such notable films as Bullets over Broadway, Shakespeare in Love, Misery and er... The Muse.
2:50 - Certainly the most dignified duo of the evening Tom Hanks and Helen Mirren present The Departed with best original screenplay.
3:00 - Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt take off their characters from The Devil Wears Prada while announcing the award for Costume Design. I love this award as several model who are met to looklike characters from the films step out wearing the costumes, one of The Queens even has a dog with her.
3:05 - Notable Scientoligst Tom Cruise presents an award to someone we've never heard of who was a stuido executive and has now quit to focus on charity work.
3:10 - Ellen is in the crowd again asking if it would be Okay if her and Clint posed for a photo for her myspace and sitting two chairs down from Clint is Spielberg who takes the picture which Ellen says his wonky so he does it again.
3:12 - Gwyneth Paltrow who seems to have come as a salmon presents the award for best cinematography to Pan's Labyrinth, Guillemero Del Toro is thanked again good thing Pan's Labyrinth is a dead cert to win Best Foreign Language film.
3:20 - While presenting the award for Visual Effects, Robert Downey Jr goes on about how they make you see radioactive spiders and green sea monsters and then jokes that this was just a typical weeknight for him in the nineties. Co-presenter Naomi Watts does not look amused and just wants to present this award which goes to Pirates, another point for both of us.
3:23 - Ken Watanabe who is very wise and Catherine Deneuve who is very attractive despite being 103 present the second dreary montage about all fifty films that have one best foreign language feature, during their introduction Sasha Baren Cohen and Isla Fisher are seen muttering to each other I doubt he cares any more after losing his award.

3:30 - Guillermo Del Toro is notably miffed as his dead cert for Best Foreign Language feature is passed over in favour of film from Germany that no-ones heard off. Clive Owen presents this award and I'm told he's sexy as he isn't wearing a tie.
3:32 - Ellen goes behind the screen that the acrobats have been using and does a silly little Snakes on a Plane gag, predictably she is joined by the other acrobats as they do the Snakes on a Plane logo.
3:35 - More politics as Clooney appears to present best supporting actress he tells us that Al Gore told him that he isn't running for president. Of course Jennifer Hudson wins this award and blubs loads thanking her recently deceased nan starting to get a bit tipsy as she is drowned out by the orchestra.
3:38 - If anyone cares some Chinese film won documentary short.
3:43 - Inconvient Truth picks up Best Documentary, Al Gore tells us he is not going to talk about politics and then talks about politics. More drinking.

3:50 - Clint Eastwood appears on stage to present the achievement award to Ennio Morricone. Shame then Celine Dion gets on stage to sing something related to Morricone as we both get a bit snoozy, thank god the man himself is on stage now, what he can only do his speech in Italain, with Clint as the world's worst interpreter this speech goes on for at least three minutes.
4:02 - Have to walk around the conservatory to stop falling asleep
4:07 - Hotly Tipped Babel walks away with its only award of the evening for best original score, I had put down The Queen for this one I am not amused.
4:10 - President of Academy does a video clip and talks very fast as Ellen bet him a dollar that he couldn't do it in under a minute he wins the bet but I have no idea what he was talking about.

4:14 - Big woops as Little Miss Sunshine wins the award it should win Best Original Screenplay which always goes to the film that should've won best picture think about Eternal Sunshine two years ago and Pulp Fiction ten years before that.
4:20 - Dreamgirls medley goes on for eight minutes, Jennifer Hudson wears a better dress and Eddie Murphy wins no brownie points for not wanting to sing live he is replaced by fellow Dreamgirls star Keith Robinson who was probably a better choice.
4:28 - John Travolta and Queen Latifah's appearance to present Best Original Song wakes Sasha up as they come on to a song from Hairspray which they are both starring in although they can't talk about it. After all the Dreamgirls songs from before, Inconvient Truth wins it for Melissa Etheridge well it is the night of the lesbains after all.
4:36 - Third and final dreary montage of the evening this is about America on film or something like that.
4:42 - The Departed wins the award for Best Editing, Damn I thought United 93 would win.
4:46 - Jodie Foster wearing a not very flattering dress comes onto to present the in memorium section. Sasha gets quite upset as she didn't realise that Peter Boyle had died.
4:54 - Predictably Helen Mirren wins best actress in her speech she thanks Elizabeth II, holding her oscar up in a toast to The Queen.
5:00 - Ellen's final comedy skit as she hoovers under the feet of everyone in the front row, not realsing that Penelope Cruz's dress has a train and several carriages attached to it. Ellen finds someones rolling paper which she drops down into the band pit, probably hitting some poor oboe player on the head.
5:04 - O'Toole wakes up again as they announce his award, their is a little tear in his eye as Forrest Whittaker wins for The Last King of Scotland, having seen both performances I preferred O'Toole's

5:08 - Every talented American director ever is on stage as George Lucas, Francis Ford Coppola and Steven Spielberg present Best Director to an emotional Martin Scorese who asks them to check the envelope again.

5:15 - A very bald Jack Nicholson along with Diane Keaton present Best Picture to The Departed well it was Scorese's night I had this down to win, Sasha finishes her wine as for someone reason she thought The Queen would get the award, we both agree it should've been Little Miss Sunshine I win the scorecard vote 13-12.

5:18 - The Oscars finish but Claudia Winkleman still has time so rabbbits on for six more minutes
The Oscars are over for another year, and with it we wonder why do we always stay up?