2nd Annual Oscar Blog

Here it is after a week's careful preperation (Okay I couldn't be bothered to watch the whole thing back again).
Imagine the scene me and Steve sitting down two hours of red carpert footage but what channel to choose, Sky of course had the rights to the British Oscar Coverage but it was presented by Kate Thornton (aaah!!), so I decided to introduce Steve to the wonders of Ryan Seacrest and Guilana on E! I missed out the first ten minutes but there were no celebrity interviews just a talk backstage with Jon Stewart where he talked about the show and said the C-Word. So here it is The full Oscars night from start to finish
11:11 - Guilana is talking to the weird Asisan fashion lady who wants to flash her legs a lot.
11:13 - Decide to flick over from fashion lady and check out Sky One who seem to be showing a Video Package of previous Oscar ceremonies
11:20 - Still no celebrties on either channel so Ryan Seacrest decides to share his bag of tricks with us, during this segment we can see Seacrest and Thornton are standing next to each other
11:22 - As Guilana talks to Ken Baker (not Kenny Baker even though I thought R2D2 would've been awesome on the red capert) the gossip guy about Britney and Angelina not being invited to The Oscars because they weren't nominated or big enough, Seacrest contradicts this by interviewing Heidi Klum and Seal who seem to be on every red carpert. Seacrest tries to get Klum out of her dress for charity but a big cheer is heard as Clooney appears on the carpert with Sarah Larson who seems to have made her dress out of curtains.
11:29 - Steve despairs as I constantly flick the channels and miss half of Seacrest's interview with obscure supporting actress nominee Amy Ryan who when we turn over is talking about Ben Affleck being an actor's director how sickening.
11:31 - Its just nice to point out at this point that for some unknown reason the red carpert footage on E! is being sponsored by the Greek Tourist Board.
11:32 - While E! is on the break we flick to Sky One who are now interviewing Heidi and Seal but technical difficulties mean that the screen blacks out halfway through and Sky switches a video package on about the best supporting actress nominees.
11:36 - No-one is being interviewed on either channel, Seacrest points out the fact that the red carpert is being covered by tarps but the journalists are still getting wet.
11:38 - Tom Wikinson admits to being a big Friends fan and getting tongue-tied around Lisa Kudrow. Seacrest makes a big faux pas when he calls the English accent pretentious.
11:40 - Turn to Sky another video package
11:44 - It seems while Sky is airing a video package the British cameraman is in Ryan Seacrest's crotch and when he has a go, Kate Thornton pipes in but Seacrest owns her.
11:45 - Clooney is really smug about his relationship with the slightly Stepford-esque Sarah Larson and then about his chances for Michael Clayton.
11:47 - The great and mighty Jason Bateman is interviewed he and Seacrest mock Clooney's hair he is tight-lipped about the Arrested Development film but I'm thinking yes its going ahead.
11:49 - A slow time once again as the E! girls talk about Anne Hathaway's poreclain skin and Sky are showing yet another VT package.
11:50 - E! air quite a humorous segment where Seacrest shows us what some actor's would look like if they were given the hairstyle that Javier Bardem sports in No Country for Old Men while it doesn't work on Daniel Day-Lewis it kind of does on Helen Mirrem.
11:52 - Kate Thornton on Sky One bumbles her interview with Tom Wilkinson saying something about Michael Clayton's production that blatantly wasn't true, she seems to be making it up as she goes along.
11:54 - Meanwhile over on E!, Anne Hathaway and her poreclain skin are being interviewed by Seacrest the funniest moment her is when Seacrest can't seem to pronounce Hathaway's date's Spanish name.
11:56 - Irish Atonement sprog Saiorse Ronan is up next she is all in green and looks like a junior leprechaun. At only thirteen she is very gracious and glad to be on the red carpert with her parents. Seacrest tries to ask her what would be a good thing to do to wind James McAvoy up but she doesn't think there is.
11:59 - As E! goes to the break, Sky are still showing VT's
12:00 - Steve Carrell is interviewed as Seacrest tells a story about seeing Carrell in a shop this story bored me silly but they soon got to some comedy when Seacrest claimed it was a green red carpert and they were recycling questions. He asked Carell Angelina Jolie's question about what it was like waking up to Brad Pitt every morning and then Ellen Page's question of what it was like to play pregnant. I can assure you this was very witty.
12:04 - Seacrest tries to embaress the perfectly turned out Patrick Dempsey by showing him his 'Enchanted' doll. I'm wondering who the blue haired man is walking up and down the carpert.
12:05 - Seacrest claims the British producer keeps asking him who the stars are, doesn't suprise me that Sky and Kate Thornton haven't done any research.
12:06 - John Travolta's haircut makes him look like one of the aliens from Galaxy Quest, lets hope he's not thinking of making Battlefield Earth 2.
12:07 - The Rock is up next, Seacrest reads him a viewer question which is obviously a plant about who is hero was growing up and in the suck-up Hollywood mind of The Rock the correct answer is Clint Eastwood.
12:08 - James McAvoy and Anne Marie Duff talk about stealing from the BAFTA after-party and wanting to go to Prince's aftershow party. The split screen reveals Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen with two beautiful women on their arms, they are now famous enough to be able to use the top class Escort services obviously (only kidding).
12:10 - Seacrest does more recycling as he shows Amy Adams her Enchanted doll she also has a completely useless mesh hand bag.
12:18 - In probably the best red carpert moment Seacrest is trying to interview Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney but is upstaged by an obviously intoxicated or just plain mental Gary Busey. Busey kind of half attacks Garner before Linney ferries her off.
12:20 - Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill talk about Rogen's bum
12:22 - Miley Cyrus daughter of Billy Ray who is apparently a massive child star in her own right is on the red carpert with her mum who does the whole she's a very grounded teenager routine. Yeah right.
12:24 - For some reason over on Sky One Kate Thornton seems to want to intimidate Amy Adams over her upcoming performance.
12:27 - On E! Keri Russell is next up although she is presenting a song she is apparently not singing herself she may rap. A random segment called Red Carpert Roulette she is then asked by a small child whether he really needs to learn math.
12:33 - Seacrest and Helen Mirrem run over the awards she won last year, the naked man (Oscar), the creepy mask (BAFTA) and the naked man with the creepy mask (SAG). She says she wonders what they get up to at night.
12:34- Jessica Alba and her partner Cash are interviewed by Seacrest about her pregnancy and he asks a rather intrusive question about whether she will breast feed or not.
12:36 - Cameron Diaz seems to have come as a pink flump and admits she didn't get Drew Barrymore anything for her birthday. The tight cow.
12:38 - Sky One show no originality by presenting Helen Mirrem with one of those tacky union jack flags, I'm sure they did that last year.
12:41 - Tilda Swinton who has the most questionable dress of the evening comes of as very grounded and cool and she is someone who doesn't fawn over the might of George Clooney.
12:44 - Finally Kate Thornton is interviewing someone that Seacrest hasn't already its just a shame that Faye Dunaway hasn't really done anything to be interviewed about.
12:51 - Casey Affleck's interview with Seacrest is a little dull so I amuse myself by looking at old Calista Flockhart has become since hooking up with Harrison Ford.
12:54 - Viggo Mortenson gets the 'ah sweet' vote of the night as he's turned up with his niece as his date.
12:58 - The final interview is with Katherine Heigl of all people who is always husbandless on these red carpert events and for some reason just wants to talk about New Years. I am taking a pizza out of the oven at this stage so don't care very much.
1:03 - Claudia Winkleman introduces us to Sky's coverage of the event with guess what yet another VT this time about The Oscars in general.
1:06 - I really like Winkleman but she struggles with the crap panel that Sky lumber her with every year and this year is no exception. It starts with Feminist Film Critic Hilary Oliver who looks like she could be Rula Lenska's Irish Cousin, then 'fashion expert' Hannah Sandling and finally the smuggest comedian of them all, Robin 'I know Ricky Gervais' Ince. Winkleman mainly focuses on Sandling's thoughts on the red carpert dresses she describes Diablo Cody as stripper chic and references Dita Von Teese, she then disses Cameron Diaz's dress as I have just done and finally Tilda Swinton in what she described as a 'bin bag'. Ince then tries to stand up for Swinton giving his first crap joke of many during the night this one being about lip gloss fairies. While I don't think Swinton's dress did her any favours it certainly made her standout from the crowd. If anyone's interested I think the best dressed women were - Jennifer Hudson, Amy Adams, Ellen Page, Marion Cottilard and Keri Russell.
1:10 - For some reason there's more lazy shots of the red carpert.
1:15 - Now there's a news like segment about the writer's strike
1:16 - Sandling has gone and in her place is crap film critic Mark Ecclestone who wasn't considered good enough even to front a Channel Five film show. He tries to look really smart talking about the writer's strike figures but in the end looks like a prat when he references the There Will be Blood director as Philip Thomas Anderson.
1:17 - Hilary Oliver complains that most of the good films only came out in the autumn and early this year. She doesn't seem to grasp the fact that studio's realease films that they think will do well at The Oscars closer to Oscar time.
1:21 - Ince pretends to know about how the academy works.
1:28 - There is a freaky moment in which Little Miss Sunshine is on Sky and then we flip back and there's an advert for Oscar Winner's Season with the exact same moment from LMS that we've just ssen.
1:30 - The sky panel discuss Jon Stewart's hosting abilities, Robin Inces seems to want Steve Martin back and then does a horrendous Billy Crystal impression, there's a Small VT of last year's Oscars accompanied by an orchestral version of that Take That song from Stardust.
1:31 - We are handed over to The Kodak Theatre, and I quickly yell to Steve who is in the loo that he'll miss the start but the opening is just loads of film moments on a big road.

1:33 - Jon Stewart appears for his opening gambit here are some of his choice gags:
(on the fact that this is the union between the writers and studios once again) "Welcome to the make-up sex"
"Its great to celebrate this years Psychopathic Killer Movies, No Country for Old Men, Sweeney Todd, There Will be Blood - Does this town need a hug? Thank God for teenage pregnancy."
"Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men comprised the bloodthirstiness of Hannibal Lecter with Dorothy Hammil's wedge cut."
"Away from Her is about a woman who forgets her husband - Hilary Clinton Called it the feel-good film of the year."
(On Atonement) "Never has one film captured the passion and raw sexuality of Yum Kippur."
"Even Norbit is nominated tonight which is excellent too often the academy overlooks films that aren't good."
"Michael Clayton is about 100 minutes long but because its about lawyers you can just round that up to two hours."
"Dennis Hopper is here, I'm just saying this so Dennis knows where he is."
"Diablo Cody was an exotic dancer and is now an oscar-nominated screenwriter - enjoy the pay cut."
"Oscar is now 80 so that makes him front-runner in for the Republican leadership campaign."
"Usually when you see a Woman or a Black Man as president an asterioid is about to hit the statue of liberty."
Stewart then jokes about how Barac Obama has overcome a lot because of his name his Barac Hussein Obama, and its just like the 1944 presidential campaign of Gaydolf Titler. A lot of people laugh but the camera pans to Marion Cotilard who doesn't look amused.
1:42 - We get to the first award of the evening as Jennifer Garner presents best Costume Design to Alexandra Byrne who worked on Elizabeth: The Golden Age her speech is nice and short and also good to note that the first award of the night goes to a Brit.
1:44 - The first of many reminiscences by former Oscar winners on there winning nights, the first is Babs Stresissand on her 'Hello Gorgeous' expetance speech.
1:46 - Robin Ince says he misses the cheesy nature of the old host and is told by Oliver and Ecclestone that cheesy is out he is upset and goes to phone Ricky Gervais.
1:47 - George Clooney has the most pointless job of the night to introduce Oscar's tribute to itself.
1:51 - The camera goes back to Jon Stewart who is watching Lawrence of Arabia on an I-Phone and flips it over to watch it in widescreen.
1:52 - Stewart introduces the funniest person he knows and she is being joined by Steve Carrell, Carrell comes out with Anne Hathaway and tells Jon that he never seases to amaze him over his constant need for attention. Carrell then starts on a spiel announcing the documentary feature nominees but is told by Hathaway that they're presenting animated feature he basically goes into The Office mode by wanting to throw up and feeling upset.
1:55 - I note that this is the first year since the animated category began that characters from the films aren't computer animated onto seats that might be because its quite hard to animated a French black and white Iranian girl onto a seat (only people who've seen Perspolis will get that reference). Brad Bird wins for Ratatouille and runs over and gets cut off by the orchestra.
1:57 - Katherine Heigl presents best Make-Up to La Vie en Rose, Norbit was robbed! The second Brit shares the award with a Frenchman.
2:00 - Jon Stewart goes to sing Alan Menken's Happy Working Song from Enchanted but then realises Amy Adams is there to sing it. Adams is at a loss as she is obviously meant to be singing to creatures or something but she has neither extras or a set and because of this the whole song seems a bit sill.
2:02 - The second of the Oscar reminiscences comes courtesy of the Zeta-Jones-Douglases.
2:07 - Jon Stewart says if you wonder what they do during the ad breaks they sit around and make catty remarks about what we're wearing. And then introduces The Rock saying that wrestling is also how Ellen Page got started if you turn your back on her she'll hit you with a folding chair, the camera however doesn't flick to Page maybe she was in the loo. The Rock then is quite entertaining in his opening spiel talking about how he though the face melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark was very real.
2:09 - The Golden Compass wins Best Visual Effects and two of the four men who collect the award are Brits so so far the Brits have four Oscars.
2:10 - Cate Blanchett presents the award for Art Direction and Production Design to two Spaniards who between them have been nominated 16 times and one once for The Aviator, so she must have met them before.
2:13 - Stewart takes the piss out of Cate Blanchett saying that she played the pitbull in No Country for Old Men and that he's being played by Blanchett right now.
2:14 - The first of many 'who's won this award before' montage introduces us to Best Supporting Actor, the disturbing thing is that the image they end on is of Snow Dogs and Boat Trip star Cuba Gooding Jr. winning his Oscar, I thought they were trying to erase that memory.
2:16 - Jennifer Hudson comes out to present and stumbles over the autocue.
2:19 - The second Spaniard win in a row as Javier Bardem rightly wins for No Country for Old Men the last segment of his speech is all in Spanish.
2:21 - But as we come back to the Sky studio, Hilary Oliver fancies herself a Spanish translator as she tells us what Bardem meant.
2:22 - Jon Stewart's translation is funnier - "He told his mother where the library was."
2:23 - Stewart then gives us a look at what Oscar would've been like if the writer's strike had continued. So they had Oscar's tribute to Binoculars and Periscopes - for some reason me and Steve find this hilarious. This is followed by Oscar's tribute to Bad Dreams.
2:24 - Keri Russell lied to us she didn't rap. But she did introduce the Gospel number from her film August Rush called Raise it Up. The main part of the song is sung by eleven year old Jemia Simone Nash. Unlike Amy Adams they have a set complete with church pews and extras.
2:28 - Stewart comes out and tells us you knew that song was good as Hal Holbrook was cabbage patching in the aisle. Holbrook blantantly didn't get that joke he looked like he was falling asleep now his category has been announced.
2:30 - Owen Wilson presents Short Live Action Film to The Mozart of Pickpockets (which I didn't have on my ballot) the French guy does struggle with his speech.
2:31 - Bee Movie bee shows a montage of bees in films, we've had enough comedy montages but at least this includes a clip from Rushmore. The Best Animated Short goes to Peter and The Wolf - More Brit wins!!!

2:34 - The Best Supporting Actress Montage begins - with such stars as Mercedes Reuhl, Marcia Gay Harden and Mira Sorvino among the list this is prestigious company.
2:38 - Alan Arkin obviously refused to do any spiel before announcing the winner of Supporting Actress. This is the biggest shock of the night (like Arkin's was last year) as Blanchett's Bob Dylan is passed over in favour of Tilda Swinton's cold-hearted lawyer in Michael Clayton. As well as being another Brit win, Swinton's speech is one of the best as she holds the Oscar and says happy Birthday man. She also quips about Clooney wearing the Batman and Robin suit during filming.
2:44 - Jessica Alba had obviously drawn the short straw and had to attend what looks like the most tedious thing alive - The Science and Technology Academy Awards where all the nerds attend they don't let them mix with the stars you know.
2:45 - Jon Stewart has been looking at the Alba and Blanchett both being pregnant and has his tally at two but as Jack Nicholson's there he's going to retally at the end of the night.
2:46 - The Broody and handsome duo (according to Stewart) of Josh 'No Country for Old Men' Brolin and James 'Shameless' McAvoy as they run through some quotes from adapted screenplays, Brolin apologises for doing a crap Nicholson impression and at this point I'm sure Nicholson is sitting next to Diablo Cody - Jack needs to be near a former stripper obviously.
2:48 - The Coen Brothers get the first award to go soley to Americans since Brad Bird. Ethan is slightly tongue-tied so Joel does all the talking.
2:49 - The president of the Oscars does a really bad video about how the Oscars votes are tallied which is incredibly boring. And aftewards even Jon Stewart takes the piss.
2:53 - Miley Cyrus introduces the second song from Enchanted called 'That's How You Know' sung by the brilliant and goregous Kristin Chenowoth (not sure if she was in the film), Amy Adams must be furious as there's plenty of props and a ton of extras in this song.
3:00 - Stewart notices that he left Nicole Kidman out of the list of pregnant ladies and then did and the baby goes to - Angelina Jolie. He quips that Jolie isn't there because its hard to get 17 babysitters on Oscar Night.
3:02 - Stewart introduces Dami Judi Dench and Halle Berry, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill come out and do the funniest skit of the night which is obviously in place of a Will Ferrell/Jack Black song. Hill and Rogen argue about which should be Berry and which should be Dench. While this is going on they hand out the sound editing award to The Bourne Ultimatum.
3:05 - Hill and Rogen argue some more as The Bourne Ultimatum gets the Sound Mixing award as well, three American wins on the trot. I have to point out here that because The Bourne Ultimatum won British sound mixer Kevin O'Connol has been passed over for his 20th Oscar (this time for Transformers) there needs to be some kind of Myspace/Facebook group to get O'Connol the Oscar in 2009.
3:08 - The best actress montage features highlights such as deaf Marlee Matin and the stupidly dressed Cher collecting their awards.
3:10 - Forrest Whittaker goes on for too long before reading out the actress nominees.

3:13 - Air whoops as Marion Cotillard rightly beats Julie Christie et al for this award. In a rather sweet moment she gets Forrest to hold her for a bit longer before she says her piece in which she just thanks everyone but doesn't burst into full tears.
3:16 - Back in the Sky studio where Hilary 'I'm a feminist don't you know' Oliver is going on about how Cotilard was a strong female presence in that film.
3:18 - Jon Stewart is caught playing WII tennis with Jemia Simone Nash from the August Rush song, she then runs off saying good game Mr. John (I just thought that sounded slightly racist)
3:19 - Colin Farrell almost cripples himself slipping up on something while approaching the song nominees podium (on the other side to the normal podium), Farrell just has to mention 'Once' once and people start to clap. Glen Hansard and Marketa Iglova then perform 'Falling Slowly' to an enraptured audience.
3:22 - Nicholson comes on and says I love the Movies before showing a montage of EVERY best picture winner from the last 80 years. I'm sure I saw this last year on You Tube.
3:28 - The Americans are winning the awards once again as Best Editing goes to The Bourne Ultimatum who get the Techinical award hat trick.
3:31 - I go and take the second pizza out of the oven as the special award goes to so called 'legendary' Robert Boyle who was the production designer on a lot of Hitchcock films like North by Northwest and The Birds as well as Private Benjamin, The Shootist, Dragnet, The Thomas Crown Affair and one of my favourite musicals - How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying. Sure enough he's done good work but at 98 years old he doesn't give the most empassioned speech funnily enough he gets the only standing ovation of the evening.
3:44 - Penelope Cruz presents Best Foreign Film to suprisingly another foreign winner this time the Austrians win the award for the excellent The Counterfeiters.
3:45 - Patrick Dempsey presents the final horribly sappy song from Enchanted by some out of tune dude dressed as a prince at a ball.

3:49 - Travolta almost slips up like Colin Farrell did as he presents the award for best song to the deserved winners Marketa Iglova and Glen Hansard from Once. Hansard gives an empassioned speech but Iglova is cut off before she can say anything. Stewart says of Hansard - he is so arrogant.
3:57 - After the break Stewart rightly brings Iglova back on as she thinks that this is a victory for all independent musicians and gets a good round of applause for this.
3:59 - Cameron Diaz can't say the word cinematography which is bad as she is presenting the award for Best Cinematography. This is another shocker as Roger Deakins who is nominated for No Country and for Jesse James is passed over in favour of Robert Elswit for There Will be Blood.
4:02 - Hilary Swank presents the In Memorium feature as predicted Heath Ledger and Ingmar Bergman feature heavily however one of the most notable emissions is Brad Renfro which is a travesty.
4:07 - Hilary Oliver back in the Sky Studio is sticking up for the women by saying the Diving Bell and The Buttefly should've one best cinematography.
4:08 - Amy Adams presents the best score award and with help from the Orchestra shows how poor films would've been off if John Williams hadn't composed the scores for Jaws and Close Encounters. Oh and the Rocky score was in here for good measure.
4:10 - I don't know if we can claim this one but Italian-Brit Dario Marionelli wins the award for his work on Atonement.
4:11 - Jon Stewart wonders why Tom Hanks is there as he hasn't been nominated tonight.
4:12 - Hanks passes us over to U.S. Soliders in Camp Victory in Baghdad because obviously its above him to announce the winners of Best Documentary Short. The fact that the soliders are doing this is an unintenionally hilarious moment for Steve. Freeheld - a film about a lesbian cop whose dying wins the award I'm annoyed as I didn't have this down on my ballot.
4:17 - Taxi to the Dark Side wins Best Documentary Feature, a film about torture I didn't have this down on my ballot. Usually I don't mind lesbians and torture but tonight they've done me a disservice.
4:19 - What I hope is the last of these silly 'I won an Oscar' memories by Elton John comes on.
4:23 - More money goes in John Williams pocket us the 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' theme tune introduces Harrison Ford who seems to have lost it as he says -Movies are made of Ideas, and pictures and words but this was about orignal screenplay.
4:25 - Nice moment as Diablo Cody comes towards the stage after winning the screenplay award she high fives Ellen Page.
4:29 - The Best Actor montage now appears
4:31 - Helen Mirrem seems to have swallowed a thesaurus as she spouts a load of adjectives about the best actor nominees.

4:34 - Daniel Day-Lewis wins the award and bows to Mirrem telling the crowd thats as near as he'll ever come to being knighted. He thanks everyone by saying - Thank you Paul.
4:40 - The last of these tedious montages on directors starts with a funny two-hander between the late great Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.
4:42 - Marty Scorsese presents the second award of the night to The Coen Brothers
4:45 - For the second time in two years the winners of the Best Picture award are in the wings when there film is announced. No Country for Old Men rightly scoops the prize.
4:48 - Stewart thanks us for our time.
4:51 - More gabbing as the panel from hell slag off There Will be Blood and Juno, and applaud the very odd ending of No Country for Old Men.
4:59 - Bloody hell there's a break and more talking, Farrell slipping up was Ecclestone's fave moment, while Ince still wants Steve Martin to present (or Ricky Gervais) and the ladies loved Cottilard's acceptance speech.
5:05 - Thank God that's over a montage of the night is shown with Kylie's WOW! played over the top it should be 'I'm tired and I want to go to bed'

By my money this was the most international Oscars, U.S.A/Canada took home three awards for Bourne and No Country respectivley as well as the animated and documentary features and documentary short. With the Cinematography award going to a Yank I think all the awards went to foreigners. Brits were victorious in two of the four acting awards as well as Costume, Make-Up, Animated Short, half of the Visual Effects, kind of the Best Score award and I guess the song for Once (although they were Irish and Czech) with art direction, live action short and foreign film going to other foreigners and of course Best Actress and Supporting Actor my tally is - U.S. and Canada - 10.5 the rest of the world 12.5.
There wasn't very many moments personally I preferred Swinton's speech to Cotillard's and of course Marketa Iglova. Jon Stewart playing the WII was good but I go

The Innaugral Oscar Blog

This is the fourth time I have stayed up for the oscars and the second consecutive time, me and Sasha start by deciding whether we're going to watch Fearne Cotton chirping away on Sky One who as we usually do watch Ryan Seacrest on E!

11:00 - We plump for Seacrest, he does a segment were a very unresponsive Ellen who his hosting tonight's event gets interviewed by him. 
11:11 - James McAvoy is one of the earlier stars to arrive i.e. unimportant
11:12 - E!s Resident Gay Cyborg Jay Emmanuel is on fashion police patrol with his own bitchy style we don't agree with any of his choices
11:15 - There is a shot of celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck with a big shrimp deely he looks extremely proud of himself
11:21 - After interviewing Michael Sheen, Seacrest says he looks exactly like Tony Blair, apart from the fact he's British he doesn't look anything like Blair.
11:36 - Sasha spots John Travolta walk past Seacrest she wants him to talk about Hairspray, so we flick over to Sky One to see if Fearne Cotton will talk to him she is interview Peter Saarsgard and Maggie Gyllenhall, Peter makes a gag about Fearne the person and the plant, Cotton doesn't look amused
11:39 - While Seacrest is interviewing Al and Tipper Gore, Jennifer Hudson appears wearing a silver scarf thingy which looks like she's just come from a Starlight Express audition, she also has pockets which starts a running gag about hands in pockets. Its about this time that we start muching on our pizza.
12:03 - Jennifer Hudson with pockets has a special video message played to her from Simon Cowell who is completley insincere in his praise of her, well she has been dubbed Simon Cowell's biggest mistake, Hudson is already crying by this point
12:25 - Kirsten Dunst has bought her brother to the event and is busy fiddling with his neck-tie, I don't know his name so I have dubbed him Dunston Dunst
12:30 - Sky Movies begins its coverage hosted by the very lovely Claudia Winkleman and her ramshackle group of guests which include Alex Jennings who had small roles in both Babel and The Queen, in which he played Prince Charles, some random casting director and various smug journalist-types
12:46 - Seacrest presents Kate Winslet with a special video message from Ricky Gervais, or Ricky Jarvis as he calls him. It is vaguely funny as Gervais talks to a cat.
12:50 - Meryl Streep playfully wacks her daughter over the head with a bag after she admits her mother is like her Devil Wears Prada character.
12:56 - E!'s top five fashion choices are Penelope Cruz, Gwyneth Paltrow, Helen Mirren, Beyonce and Nicole Kidman who seems to have come as Red Riding Hood. For the Record the Duffy/Donnelly choices were: Cate Blanchett, Rachel Weisz, Emily Blunt, Rinko Kikuchi and Queen Latifah.
1:02 - After two hours of Red Carpet we now have the official oscar pre-show which is met by haagen daaz and alchol (cheap red wine and pear cider). This starts with a small opening of new footage from Happy Feet as Mumble makes his way to the oscars and jumps in the Little Miss Sunshine van this is the most entertaing thing to happen in the next half hour. The first presenter we meet basically looks like Ryan Seacrest in thirty years time.
1:04 - The second presenter is a woman in a very short cut dress with knees that look like she'd been rolling round in posion ivy all day.
1:06 - The third and final presenter looks like James Earl Jones' brother - Luke I am Your Uncle.
1:20 - Ryan Gosling has bought his mother and sister along - a gaggle of goslings, which begs the question what was Rachel MacAdams doing that was so important that she could miss this?
1:30 - Oscars officially starts, as does the oscars drinking game take a swig everytime - Ellen does a lesbian gag, politics is involved, someone cries, Jack Nicholson is seen smirking, someone presents a minor award and does a variation on the 'Without Them We'd Be Nothing' spiel and looking miffed that they're presenting such a minor award and when Martin Scorsese doesn't win again.
The first five minutes of the oscars are a video montage of I think every nominee or the ones that are there talking about the oscars ones they've lost and various points in there careers. Peter O'Toole, who has been passed over seven times, was particularly funny but spare a thought for poor sound mixer Kevin O'Connel 19nominations without a win.

1:36 - Ellen arrives in her waistcoat and white shoes which I'm told are not trainers. She is evidently nervous at first - doing her first line tonight we celebrate the nominees unlike every other year in which we pretty much celebrate the winners. Five minutes later she does a gag about Peter O'Toole not winning seven times telling him third times a charm her speech livens up at the end as she joins a gospel choir in a number before saying I wouldn't want to follow that.
1:45 - Little Red Riding Hood is joined by James Bond to present the Art Direction award which goes to Pan's Labyrinth, by the way we are doing scorecards and we both got this one right, the guy who wins thanks his mum and this gives us an idea to inclued thanking mum as a new rule to start drinking he finishes by thanking Guillermo Del Toro, good thing Del Toro is a dead cert to win Best Foreign Language Film later tonight.
1:47 - Several acrobats appear behind a screen and make themselves into the shape of an oscar - they do this several times as they transform themselves into the Happy Feet penguins, the Little Miss Sunshine van and the gun symbol from The Departed.
1:53 - For me moment of the night as Will Ferrel sings a song about being a comedian at the oscars - your films make millions but not win awards. Jack Black appears on stage and tells him to pick fights with all the nominees, "Leo you think you can date supermodels AND win awards, I'm gonna punch you in the larynx", "Ryan Gosling your all hip and now, well I'm gonna kick you in the hip, right now." Peter O'Toole's medication seems to have kicked in as they tell him, "you're all prestigous and English I don't care I'm still going to beat you up," he doesn't seem to react at all. They do recognise that Mark Wahlberg is pretty badass and talented and that Helen Mirren is pretty hot. John C Reilly then appears and tells them that they should mix comedy with dramatic roles, "I appeared in both Boogie and Talladega Nights." The song ends with jazz kicks and the line, "Helen Mirren is going home with me tonight.
1:58 - Pan's Labyrinth wins best make-up, I am 2 for 2 unlike Sasha who voted for Apocalypto I didn't understand that decision. Guillermo Del Toro is thanked again its a good thing he's a dead cert to win best foreign film later in the evening.
2:00 - Ellen does the old, I don't know the cameras on me gag as she insinuates that Judi Dench is having an eyelift and not hip surgery.
2:01 - The munchkins appear - Abigail Breslin who appears to have dressed up as a birthday cake and Will Smith Jr. who has got a rasta hairdo. They're presenting the short animation and live action awards and therefore several gags about them being short are delivered with quite impressive timing with a duo with an average age of eight and a half. Jaden Smith trips over his lines announcing the second award before Breslins read out the winner of the first. I get both of these wrong and apparently the first upset of the night as The Danish Poet beats The Little Matchgirl to animated short, shame no-one actually notices or cares.
2:11 - Ellen apologises for saying Judi Dench was having an eye lift saying it was actually a boob job. This is followed by the scary sound effects choir who make sounds to video clips playing behind them from films including Psycho and Chicago.
2:14 - Little Miss Sunshine stars Greg Kinnear and Steve Carrel do a pretty good skit about Sound Editing as Kinnear delivers some of his lines in silence, this award goes to Letters from Iwo Jima, even though Pirates should have one, not just because I had them down but because they used vegetables to create the effects.
2:17 - Kevin O'Connel is passed over yet again in favour of Dreamgirls, I don't care thats another point for me.
2:23 - The first notable surprise win of the evening as Alan Arkin wins for Little Miss Sunshine, there is a few tears from him as we all thought Eddie Murphy would win, including me as it goes even though Arkin deserved it.

2:25 - I am loving Ellen as host as for the first time a host goes among the crowd and makes herself seem more personable. She goes over to Scorsese fanning herself with a Screenplay she's written a cross between Goodfellas and Big Momma's House called GoodMamas.
2:30 - The two non-Dreamgirls i.e. boring musical numbers are performed, the Randy Newman penned song from Cars and notable lesbian Melissa Etheridge's tune from that musical masterpiece ummm... Inconvient Truth.

2:36 - Talking of Inconvient Truth here's Al Gore with Leo talking about a greener America or something like that it doesn't matter its politics so we can drink, there is also a very funny moment as Gore goes to announce what we think is his intentions to run in the next election he is drowned out by the orchestra.
2:43 - Cameron Diaz is making me sick as she keeps spinning around on her heels as she announces that Happy Feet has won best animated film beating Cars which I had down, and Monster House which was the best of the three.
2:46 - Ben Affleck presents the first dreary video montage of the evening about writers on film. This includes clips from such notable films as Bullets over Broadway, Shakespeare in Love, Misery and er... The Muse.
2:50 - Certainly the most dignified duo of the evening Tom Hanks and Helen Mirren present The Departed with best original screenplay.
3:00 - Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt take off their characters from The Devil Wears Prada while announcing the award for Costume Design. I love this award as several model who are met to looklike characters from the films step out wearing the costumes, one of The Queens even has a dog with her.
3:05 - Notable Scientoligst Tom Cruise presents an award to someone we've never heard of who was a stuido executive and has now quit to focus on charity work.
3:10 - Ellen is in the crowd again asking if it would be Okay if her and Clint posed for a photo for her myspace and sitting two chairs down from Clint is Spielberg who takes the picture which Ellen says his wonky so he does it again.
3:12 - Gwyneth Paltrow who seems to have come as a salmon presents the award for best cinematography to Pan's Labyrinth, Guillemero Del Toro is thanked again good thing Pan's Labyrinth is a dead cert to win Best Foreign Language film.
3:20 - While presenting the award for Visual Effects, Robert Downey Jr goes on about how they make you see radioactive spiders and green sea monsters and then jokes that this was just a typical weeknight for him in the nineties. Co-presenter Naomi Watts does not look amused and just wants to present this award which goes to Pirates, another point for both of us.
3:23 - Ken Watanabe who is very wise and Catherine Deneuve who is very attractive despite being 103 present the second dreary montage about all fifty films that have one best foreign language feature, during their introduction Sasha Baren Cohen and Isla Fisher are seen muttering to each other I doubt he cares any more after losing his award.

3:30 - Guillermo Del Toro is notably miffed as his dead cert for Best Foreign Language feature is passed over in favour of film from Germany that no-ones heard off. Clive Owen presents this award and I'm told he's sexy as he isn't wearing a tie.
3:32 - Ellen goes behind the screen that the acrobats have been using and does a silly little Snakes on a Plane gag, predictably she is joined by the other acrobats as they do the Snakes on a Plane logo.
3:35 - More politics as Clooney appears to present best supporting actress he tells us that Al Gore told him that he isn't running for president. Of course Jennifer Hudson wins this award and blubs loads thanking her recently deceased nan starting to get a bit tipsy as she is drowned out by the orchestra.
3:38 - If anyone cares some Chinese film won documentary short.
3:43 - Inconvient Truth picks up Best Documentary, Al Gore tells us he is not going to talk about politics and then talks about politics. More drinking.

3:50 - Clint Eastwood appears on stage to present the achievement award to Ennio Morricone. Shame then Celine Dion gets on stage to sing something related to Morricone as we both get a bit snoozy, thank god the man himself is on stage now, what he can only do his speech in Italain, with Clint as the world's worst interpreter this speech goes on for at least three minutes.
4:02 - Have to walk around the conservatory to stop falling asleep
4:07 - Hotly Tipped Babel walks away with its only award of the evening for best original score, I had put down The Queen for this one I am not amused.
4:10 - President of Academy does a video clip and talks very fast as Ellen bet him a dollar that he couldn't do it in under a minute he wins the bet but I have no idea what he was talking about.

4:14 - Big woops as Little Miss Sunshine wins the award it should win Best Original Screenplay which always goes to the film that should've won best picture think about Eternal Sunshine two years ago and Pulp Fiction ten years before that.
4:20 - Dreamgirls medley goes on for eight minutes, Jennifer Hudson wears a better dress and Eddie Murphy wins no brownie points for not wanting to sing live he is replaced by fellow Dreamgirls star Keith Robinson who was probably a better choice.
4:28 - John Travolta and Queen Latifah's appearance to present Best Original Song wakes Sasha up as they come on to a song from Hairspray which they are both starring in although they can't talk about it. After all the Dreamgirls songs from before, Inconvient Truth wins it for Melissa Etheridge well it is the night of the lesbains after all.
4:36 - Third and final dreary montage of the evening this is about America on film or something like that.
4:42 - The Departed wins the award for Best Editing, Damn I thought United 93 would win.
4:46 - Jodie Foster wearing a not very flattering dress comes onto to present the in memorium section. Sasha gets quite upset as she didn't realise that Peter Boyle had died.
4:54 - Predictably Helen Mirren wins best actress in her speech she thanks Elizabeth II, holding her oscar up in a toast to The Queen.
5:00 - Ellen's final comedy skit as she hoovers under the feet of everyone in the front row, not realsing that Penelope Cruz's dress has a train and several carriages attached to it. Ellen finds someones rolling paper which she drops down into the band pit, probably hitting some poor oboe player on the head.
5:04 - O'Toole wakes up again as they announce his award, their is a little tear in his eye as Forrest Whittaker wins for The Last King of Scotland, having seen both performances I preferred O'Toole's

5:08 - Every talented American director ever is on stage as George Lucas, Francis Ford Coppola and Steven Spielberg present Best Director to an emotional Martin Scorese who asks them to check the envelope again.

5:15 - A very bald Jack Nicholson along with Diane Keaton present Best Picture to The Departed well it was Scorese's night I had this down to win, Sasha finishes her wine as for someone reason she thought The Queen would get the award, we both agree it should've been Little Miss Sunshine I win the scorecard vote 13-12.

5:18 - The Oscars finish but Claudia Winkleman still has time so rabbbits on for six more minutes
The Oscars are over for another year, and with it we wonder why do we always stay up?